EVERY muscle in my body seized up as I was spewed into the Jungle. Soon, however, my
legs unknotted themselves and I became aware of my surroundings.
I was in a similar clearing to the last one, but with one major, difference. I was wearing
some really ludicrous clothes.
Upon my head was a pith helmet, and I was clad in khaki. My instincts told me I was mad,
but the label on the shorts read C&A
100%,Cotton. Figures. Only C&A could produce
something like this.
Next came another major revelation. Hanging loosely on my back was an elongated letter
opener. Perhaps Mr. Wogan isnt so evil after all this will be useful for
opening coconuts and passion fruit.
At that time I was still in a daze, but as sure as eggs are eggs, I was not alone. The
ground in front of me heaved and a small hole appeared. From it emanated a nasty-looking
creature, resembling a spider. Without thinking I drew my letter opener. Stab, stab,
swipe, schylik! It disappeared. This was not the last time I would see the thing, as more
appeared all the while, and suffered the same fate.
I noticed something in an alcove on the other side of the clearing. It looked remarkably
like a pith helmet of the sort I had on, sitting on a pile of wood.
Gadzooks! a grave! Another unfortunate had also ventured here and been reaped. In a
mark of respect I crossed it, but as I picked it up splat - it had gone.
At same moment another fiend appeared. This time a very vicious looking bush fire,
sweeping across the clearing at me.
Seeking a way out, I dashed blatantly through a gap in the trees..
UPON leaving the clearing I met another fellow human person. I first
caught sight of him running from the East, waving
with spear and shield. I reasoned that he may have been in peril.
As he approached, a snake-like something appeared directly in his path. Being the civil
and public spirited person that I am, I called to him to look out. He seemed to take no
notice, and then had the audacity to walk unharmed over the creature.
Assuming that he understood the Queens English, I exclaimed, 'Thats good. How
do you do it?
There came no reply. He just ran at me. Again, letting my instincts take over, I drew my
weapon and stabbed at him. Too far away. l inadvertently returned my sword to its sheath.
As I did all went black, I was thrust backwards and slammed into a wall of trees. He was
still advancing .I stood up, drew my swordly thing and... The bounder Just waddled off in
the other direction.
'Um Bongo, it uttered just as a Hippo passed it.
Hippopotamus a big, purple, hairy lump of an animal, bounding towards me like a
sloppy puppy. It looked too cute to stab, but maintaining my stiff upper lip attitude, I
poked it just for good measure. As it raced by, I felt a twinge of guilt.
Presently I reached a corner, and took it to be faced by yet another comer. As I rounded
the latter, more nasties appeared, this time a scorpion and a rather moronic looking
parrot. A short slaughter later, I found myself headed North, around several disorienting
passages and into a clearing not unlike the one from which I started.
Similar, that is, except for one thing. In the corner, glimmering in sunlight, was a
quarter piece of the extraordinary Amulet. hastened towards it.
THE air was
filled with a dulcet tune, and the voice of the guardian reappeared.
One piece is all that you have found, collect three more and outward bound. '
'Very nice, Terry, ' I whispered, sarcastically.
'Shut up, and get on with your impossible task, crouton features.'
At that I was returned to my normal insane condition and dwardled off, by now feeling
So my travels continued, for a short time anyway, because I came across an extremely odd
oddment, in the shape of a very odd bottle. This bottle was in the shape of a man, and
about the size of an Action Man. Bravely, I unscrewed the head. Why, I don't know, I mean
Im not getting paid for this (you sure arent -Ed). Within the bottle
lay a liquid. Goodo I thought - perhaps its tea. So I drank some.
Extra Life! bellowed Terry Wogan.
'Spot on! I replied, not quite knowing what he meant.
After that brief, but very poignant encounter, I trotted off again, slaughtering innocent
animals, prodding hippos and and generally savaging the savages.
Soon I stumbled over something new. A monstrous flower in the middle of the path. When I
first saw it, it was only an iddy little thing, but as I approached it burst into flower,
a big yellow obtrusion onto which I trod.
That l regretted. For as soon as l squashed it, I was left immobilised for an
uncomfortable period of time (- so what's new)?
Still, after my bout of immobilitis, I was back on my blistered feet,
flying along at a cracking pace, until...